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Below are the 7 most recent journal entries recorded in toot_toot20's LiveJournal:

    Wednesday, April 12th, 2006
    12:19 pm
    Huntington Life
    Well... Its me again, Long time since the last time I wrote in my journal but I have been up to alot and didn't have the time to sit down and take the time to write. Well I am now living in Huntington WV with my two best friends Juan and Tai. The apartment is nice, and also big but it still needs alot of work done on it. Who knew the landlord we would have would be a dick head. Where not sure if its him or his bitch ass wife that calls the shots. Also we have crazy gay neighbor who is looking for an ass woopin. There was a dude up stairs that we talk to for a while but he ended up becoming a bigger ass then the neighbor down stairs. Then there at the end of our building we have pysco NEIGHBOR WHO CLAMS HIS THE DEVIL!! He plays his music and runs his mouth 24.7... Lol but other than that everything all good. I finally got a job and now working full time and hopefully start back in college next fall. I am happy at the moment with the choice I had made. My crazy family wants me to come home but I just rather ignore them and stay where I am at. I want to move futher than where I am living now but I think I'll break the news to them after I move. There alot I want to but I just got to get my life straight first. Life is alot different now that I don't have a couple of 1000 in the bank you know what I am saying and I gotta be careful and make smart choices in spending my money.

    Current Mood: blah
    Tuesday, November 29th, 2005
    9:01 am
    Fuck the Police!!!
    The day before Thanksgiving the FBI agent ask for me to stop by and talk about my mom's case and of course I did but I care for my mother and I was hoping for some good news. But they did not talk to me as her daughter, they talk to me as a suspect and accuse me of knowing where she was DEAD! They keep telling me that my father was the one who killed her and that I knew where he put her body. I keep telling them that I don't know. I don't know if my mom is alive or dead and I pray everyday that she is alive some where out there. I don't believe my father killed my mother and they have no evidence that he did! How could you kill someone after being with them 23 to 24 years of marriage? Why would I keep it a secrete if he did? I was closer to my mother and I loved her with all my heart and when she was alive I try to protect her as much as I could and did everything I could for her. I miss my mom so much and it hurts so bad sometimes that it feels as if I can't breath no more when I think about not ever seeing her again. They even told me that my father wasn't my biological father and that my mother might not be my biological mother and that I was switch at birth! They keep asking me did I know if I could have been adopted and I was like no.... All this is the night before thanksgiving remember that. Could they be lieing to me? Why would they want to mess with my head and cause me more grief then I already had? If they are looking toward me as knowing where she is, they will never find her because I don't know. I wish to god every day that I knew what could have happen or at less know if she okay. I don't wanna think of my mother as dead but to have two FBI agents gain up on you and try to tell you that she dead and you know it is crazy. Thats my fucken mother and as for dealing with them anymore, they can kiss my fucken ass! I love my mother and my family is already broken in pieces and I am about to crack and go insan and they just about finish me off that night. I have been threw so much shit this year its not even funny. So this world can just go Fuck its self!

    Current Mood: angry
    Tuesday, November 22nd, 2005
    10:00 am
    Well, I got my apartment! The only thing is I am even more scared now because I know now its a first step on being on my own. Everything is going threw my mind, like am I going to find a job? Am I going to be able to get along with my room mate which is my best friend? Am I going to be happy? Is my fears going to come true like they always do? I haven't been happy in a long time and that is all I ask for and I keep my faith in god and try to follow the signs to what I should do. But the fear within my heart for the worst is always there now. I am not happy, I am very depressed and sometimes I just wish for it all to end. A big part of me has lost so much hope for the world. It hurts so bad sometimes that feel like something inside me is about to burst but never does. My eyes stay weak from tears I cry, I wish I could be whole again at less get back what I have lost but that may never happen. Moving to another state and getting apartment of my own is a big step for me and one might say I am running from my problems but what they don't know is if I don't get away then I dunno if I could handle anymore hurt and be strong enough to keep on living.THen for one I know I should move but I am so scared on the other hand. A friend of mine told me if I keep looking at life as the bottom is always going to fall out then it will but if I keep hope and hope for the best then it most likely everything will be alright. I hope thats true. My plan is just to keep my apartment and get a good job and keep it and buy me a car so I can go visit my family when I want and save up enough money to full fill my dreams to live on a beach beside the ocean in peace. When I die I want to be creamated and my ashes spreaded threw the ocean!!!!! Everything I own I want to be given to those who are without and my pictures copyed and gave to all my family and friends. As for my art may it be showed to the world for one day there is one that is going to have a important meaning. Ughhh this world just sucks........am I ever going to be happy?

    Current Mood: depressed
    Thursday, November 17th, 2005
    8:46 am
    Yeah the other day was my birthday... It was alright I guess considering it would have been better if my mother was there and I was at home. But my friends and the people where I go to school got me a cake and card and it was all good... I guess you gotta be thankful for what you do have instead letting what you don't have bother you... My friends and family told me happy birthday.... Yesterday the FBI is going to call me from my grandmother house just to talk to me and want to meet up with me and ask me some questions about my mother... He waits like 5 or 6 months later to wanna sit down and talk to me about my mom's case of being missing... Can you say thats "FUCK UP" but i'm gonna go in hope maybe he has gotten some clue to where she could be...

    Current Mood: frustrated
    Friday, November 11th, 2005
    12:39 pm
    Life
    Starting off with a bad morning, I was worried that I was going to end up having a bad day to go along with it. But its been pretty decent considering my alarm clock didn't go off this morning. I am going away to a friends house this weekend and look at some apartments, I want to be on my own and I know I need to take that step but its like learning how to drive... you can't help but be scared at first... or starting a new job... Its big step in my life but one I know I have no other choice but to make... Out of this horrible year, all I want is to be happy. Life can be nothing but simple and boring, as long as I am happy... I don't care... I'm worried about being able to find a job and to have enough money to pay for the payments and buying stuff I will need.... I know I can do it, its just going threw with it is the scary part... I can jump in a cab and on plan to Florida but moving to a state next door, seems to be more scary to me... I am moving with a friend from there but that still doesn't ease my mind... But I am the kind of person that worries about everything! All at once too.... I haven't told my family that I have decided to move to another state yet... Its hard because they didn't want me to move off to school to a different city and I did. But going to another state, thats another story... It be easyer for me to tell them and if they would help me but I don't think they will.... Also I don't want my grandmother to jinx it like she does everything...

    Current Mood: scared
    Thursday, November 10th, 2005
    2:34 pm
    A Letter to my Mother. (Words I wish I could say to her.)
    Dear, Mom

    I know you may never see this letter and this seems a little weird but I needed a way to express how I'm feeling with out you here. I miss you mommy and your touch and that sweet smile you would always have when you look at me. I'm sorry that I did not spend last Christmas with you and now I wish I did but I wasn't trying to hurt you. I was just trying to get back at him. Mommy you ment everything to me, you where my heart in so many ways and the one thing I knew I would miss when I went away. If I only knew this would happen I would have stay there to protect you but Mommy please forgive me for I did not know. I can only wish I could take time back and see you again. I often dream about you and in my dreams you are telling me what happen but I wonder are my dreams true mommy? I have 3 dreams so far and every one leads up to the same thing and if it true mommy trust me I will see that justic is done. I miss holding you in my arms Mommy with those big hugs that you would always give me. Every one says all kinds of things about you and how they think of what happen to you but no one will tell me the truth and I know someone knows mommy. I stay confused because I dunno who to believe or what is true anymore. I stay to myself because I have lost to much now in life. I am sad every day with out you mommy and I don't know weather your alive or dead but some how I always feel you near me and as if your close by watching over me.. Mommy your in my prayers every night. I pray god watches over you and proctects you and let you know I miss you and love you so. It's hard for me to express myself and how I have been feeling because I'm just tired of crying and hurting all the time. I want to be happy and I want to see your face again but for now I guess I will keep praying for some day I can see you again.. Mommy you would be so proud of me if you just only knew, I completed my trade in vocational school and got my license! I am now enrolled in college and I start the 15 of Aug and I already have my books and my school paid for by the Goverment! It always seems like if something bad happens, something good happens to, or it switches around. I am so used to hearing bad news mommy I just stop listening and started to ignore it.I feel so very much alone now Mommy because without you, I have no family.. Remeber what I always told you all the time well I still mean it.. I don't forget mommy trust me on that and I don't walk away with out a fight either. I may be quiet now and taking it all in but thats just because I am waiting for the truth to come out. People seem to think I know where you are but i just wish they knew I dunno where you are... I just know I miss you and I would love to see you again.... I have always try to protect you mommy but this time is different because I really don't know where you are at and what happen to you... In my heart I know it was something bad and I just can't wait till someone slips and I find you.... I have learn the only person I can trust is god and myself..As for anyone else well nope! Not even the ones that have know me since a baby... Mommy why should I trust anyone? I keep thinking about what happen that night and the story just don't come out right. I can't make no sense out of what they say and it seems as if they telling me a lie to my face. But for now I'll listen but that doesn't mean i'm convince i'm just trying to figure out what happen to you... Daddy in jail now mommy for hitting another women and taking her money.. I think the FBI thinks he may have had something to do with you being missing but mommy he past the lie dector test so what should I believe? I feel as if I have no family and without you I don't... Its hard for me to walk away but every time I do it , it seems to get easyer inch by inch... I know I can't run away from my problems but it just be easyer for me to ignore them for while....I wish I could have done what I was planning to do and that was getting on my feet and then coming to get you and taking care of you but now I don't know where your at mommy or if your okay and if your safe, all I can do is pray to god to watch over you... Mommy I know I hurt you when I went to Florida but trust me I'm sorry and I wish I would have told you.. I know you probley would have been better off knowing at first of what I was going to do.. At the time Mommy I wasn't thinking and I was just on cloud number nine and to blind to see how much I hurt you... It just I really love that boy but later on he broke my heart so what hurts the most I hurt you and my family for nothing... I thought I was going to marry him and one day you have a grandchild but now ... But I got hurt mommy more then I wanted... I never would have dream of me leaving would have cause so much pain... Mommy I wish you knew how sorry I am and how much did care about you even though I didn't show it as much as I should have... Mommy I am so scared of the future and I know I am on my own now.... I can't go back not without you there and not without knowing what happen or where your at.... I'm scared of the truth and what could have happen, I'm scared each day i'm gonna get a call and they tell me they found you dead...But I always would try and think maybe you left the state and was in some sort of city doing better on your own but I guess thats just a thought.... Mommy I wish people knew how true and beautiful you where and how I miss you so much and how sweet you where and kind...how you would do anything for anyone and have a heart of gold....Mommy I won't give up on hope of finding you and I will never stop loveing you.... Just always know one day the truth will come out and I will know then what I should do.... Mommy keep close to god cause his the only one who will really take care of you..... I love you and miss you take care mommy....



    Sincerley,

    Your Baby Gurl
    ....She been missing since Jan 7, 2005

    Current Mood: sad
    11:30 am
    Broken Heart
    I really don't know where to start on this journal but to write down how I have been feeling and whats been going on in my life. You could say I wish this year had never happen, I have went threw hell non stop this year. Starting off Jan 7, 2005 the day my mom became missing. It's now Nov 10, 2005 and my birthday is in 5 days and my mom is still missing. I'm not sure about what happen to her and where she at or if she okay. There are allot of un answer questions that I want and need to know but don't. I have spent many nights crying just wishing to hear her voice again or see her face again. I miss my mom hugs and her smile that was so special to me. I stay confused on how I should feel about her being missing. Then in Oct my dad was sentence to 5 years in prison. I loved and cared for both my parents, yea they did allot that I didn't approve of but that never change how I felt for them. My Birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas is coming up and I have neither my mom or my dad to spend it with. My heart feels really empty now and its hard for me to let my family or friends in anymore. I sleep most of my day away it makes it easyer when I am not aware I am living then keep on living. I have thought about killing my self many times but the fact I believe in "GOD" So strong I know its not the way out. It would not make things better but it would make them worst, have you ever thought what your hell would be like? I don't want to know or ever find out. I use to go to church every weekend, I miss that! I loved the feeling I would get when we would sing church songs and to listen to the preacher would always bring tears in my eyes. Nothing wasn't really great when I was growning up but it wasn't this bad ever! My family is broken along with my heart and life just hasn't been the same. I try to keep my mind off from things, by going back and forth to college and with my studying. Thats just one part of my bad horrible year from hell...

    Current Mood: depressed
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